Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
