I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
