Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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