Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
