take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
