dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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