I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
