i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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