At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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