this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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