So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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