I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
