Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
