I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
