I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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