Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
