My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
