someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
