mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
