my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize