need another drink. this is the easiest way
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
