nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
