She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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