he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
