The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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