He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
