she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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