Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
