I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How drunk are you?
Completed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
