When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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