Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
