Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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