Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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