come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
