I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
