so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
