So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
