I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
