you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
