Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
