if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
