Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
