and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
