Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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