I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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