The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
