Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
