This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
