I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
