Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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