He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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