everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
