i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
