DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
