Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
