i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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