My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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